The Reason I Write...

When my Grandmother passed away in February of 2015 it was incredibly difficult for me. I felt an overwhelming amount of regret, sorrow, but mostly guilt. 

My Grandmother and I were quite close when I was younger. Slumber parties filled with Shakespeare movies,  the TV show Keeping Up Appearances and sourdough pancakes. (Three things I am still obsessed with today.) Trips to the Nutcracker every December. Vacations to the beach together, and once she took me all the way to Ashland for the Shakespeare festival. The year I turned 16 I was blessed with the opportunity to attend the Opera - whereupon I fell in LOVE with Carmen. 

She taught me how to read at a young age, the importance of the written word, and created within me a love for plays, poetry, and history. She kept a journal which she wrote in all of her life, and blessed us with copies of her life story - her autobiography - one year at Christmas. She was a world class Scrabble champion and I owe a very large part of my love for the arts to my Grandmother. 

As I grew older, and got married, my Grandmother and I drifted apart. Between school, being married, more school, working, and more school my life quickly began to fill. But the times we did get together were always such a sweet reunion. As she became older, she became a little more difficult to understand and get along with, but I know that she loved me with all her heart. 

When I had Ruby, it was like the heavens had sent my sweet Grandmother a gift. (Ruby's middle name came from my mother's mother and my father's mother - both named Joan.) That woman LOVED that little girl. But again, with Daniel in school, me working, and Ruby being so young it was difficult to always make it out to my Grandmother.

Great. GREAT. Grandmother.  

The last time I saw my grandmother was in December of 2014. Daniel and I spent the better half of a day with my Grandmother letting her be with and play with Ruby. January came, and I had planned on going to see my Grandmother after Ruby's doctor appointment, but life had gotten in the way and I hadn't made it. I lived with guilt over that choice for quite some time. If only I had sucked it up and made it down there, one last time. 

The night my Grandmother passed away I sat down at my computer, and did what I do best, I wrote. I wrote her a letter apologizing for all the silly disagreements we had had over the years, for the numerous times I had failed to pick up the phone, or to call her back, and I thanked her for all of the many beautiful things she had blessed my life with. I wrote to her about Ruby, how we were doing, and what we were up too. And though I was still heartbroken, and sad, and a little guilty, I felt an overwhelming peace and comfort as I sat and wrote to my Grandmother. 

Writing, for me, has always been so very therapeutic. It gives me an outlet, allows me to tell my story, and creates a place for me to look back on memories and moments. When I sit down to write in this blog, a lot of the time I imagine that I am writing to my Grandmother, keeping her up to date and current within my life. 

One of my goals for myself this year is to document moments more, both through pictures and writing. Yes, I know and love the importance of being present in the moment, but I also know the blessing of being able to look back on your day, month, year, life - and see all of the many blessings, achievements, gifts, and trials you have made it through and been given. 

I am incredible grateful for the gifts and passions she instilled within me, and the blessing she was in my life. So thank you for bearing with me this year as I attempt to get back to the things that truly bless me, strengthen me, and give me such joy. I look forward to what adventures, blessings, and memories this year will bring me, and for the opportunity I will have in documenting them. 

CHEERS!