Self Love.

With my sweet baby only a month away from turning One and my daughter turning Four just this last week, I am reminded of all the anxiety and apprehension I had about becoming a first time mom, a mom of two, and getting "my body" back.

I had so much apprehension about becoming a first time mom. Making sure I loved her lots, but didn't spoil her. Raising her to be a kind, gentle, thoughtful human. Showing her what it looks like to be strong and independent. But above all, I wanted her to know that mom and dad were always, and would always, be a safe place. I wanted her to be confident, gracious, and full of self love.

When I got pregnant with Linus I was so worried about the capability of loving two babies, and being available for both babies and making time and taking the time for both babies. I didn't want either of them to feel neglected, forgotten, or jealous of the other. I was also so anxious to give up my one on one time with Ruby. I loved our mommy-daughter days, and just us girls. I can say that in the last year I have surprised myself with how much I have grown to love both of them more than I ever thought possible. How Daniel and I have been capable of making the time for one on one with both kiddos. Basically, I'm like obsessed with their curly heads, and their pudgy hands, their bubblegum toes and their sweet little selves. I love being their mama.

While pregnant with Ruby I never worried or thought about the work I'd have to put in to lose the baby weight. My pregnancies are really hard, and because I get so sick I just go in to survival mode. But months after having Ruby and I was shocked at how different my body both felt, and looked. I had no idea who the woman was in the mirror. I put on about the same amount with both kids, but it's amazing how different I looked during each pregnancy. I struggled with losing the weight after Ruby, it took me a long time to find the motivation to do so. A lot of negative self talk, body shaming, and name calling took place in my head before I finally shut that voice up and got mentally healthy, and physically healthy.

Leavin' the girdle at home!  

Old habits die hard, and a year after having Linus and I'm all up in my head about my body image. I set some big time goals for myself back in May, and I slowly but surely began to crush them. June came along and I kept that ball rolling. After months of being stuck in a rut, and a plateau I was finally seeing progress and my goals were within reach. But, as it always goes, life gets in the way and with the move and blah blah my fitness and eating goals definitely took a back seat.

I've had to work extra hard to not tear myself down, to look negatively at my body and belittle myself. I have had to remember that I'm only competing against myself, and that time isn't my enemy, it's my friend. Making new habits, setting goals, sticking to them, reaching and achieving them is a continuous journey - a fluid motion, with valleys and peaks, side roads, main roads, and sometimes traffic.

I have to remember that this body of mine has created not just one, but two babies. Of course it's a little different, and doesn't look the same in all the places the way it used too. But I'm still strong, and I'm still healthy, and I'm still happy and I'm learning to fall in love with myself all over again. Because if there's one thing I have learned over the last 30 years of my life, it's that we go through stage and phases; and within each new stage and phase of life with our bodies you have to adjust, and learn to love yourself over and over.

So! I set some new goals. I'm making some changes, and am hopefully getting back on the right path. Ultimately, I just want to be happy. Happy with who I am, what I've accomplished, what I can accomplish, the goals I set and the progress I'm making.

Somedays are harder than others. Somedays I just want to wallow in all the delicious foods. Other days I go hard. Somedays I forget to cut myself some slack. Thankfully I have a beautiful little girl who has become a professional at giving compliments, and where I see imperfections and flaws she constantly sees my beauty. (For example, the other day while I was wearing my bikini she came up and told me she loved my belly, and I had nice boobs ha ha ha! Love that girl..)

Because those coral polka dot swimsuits are LIFE

So here's to another day, another week, another month, and new goals. Here's to positive self talk, loving my mommy self, and working on me. Here's to learning how to love my body and where I'm at right now (adult acne included.. because that's what every 30 year old mom wants to deal with..) Here's to continuing to grow, love, be challenged, and ultimately slay at motherhood.

CHEERS babes!