The end is approaching. And here I am... Sitting here... Wondering if I will even be able to hang on for another 10 minutes.
When I got pregnant with Ruby I cherished every little minute. (I use the term cherished loosely here as I was deathly ill the first five months.) But every little bump, kick, hiccup, summersault - they were a beautiful gift, a reminder that I was going to be a mother. This second pregnancy has tested me past my limits. I think a lot of it has to do with knowing that this is my last? And also chasing around a very busy and sassy toddler. (I always joked that Daniel and I should never procreate - Latin/Italian children are a DANGEROUS combination of sass and passion and mouth and smarts.) As I have approached the end with this little nugget, unlike the first, I am WAY more ready to see his little face. I honestly had NO idea what Ruby was going to look like. Coming from a family of all adopted children, none of us look, think, or act like the other. When I first saw Ruby's little face, it was the strangest thing to look down at a tinier version of both Daniel and myself. I wonder every day what this little boy will look like. We have joked that he'll come out looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. (I know, I'm the worst.) But Ruby was (and is, though I'm biased since I'm her mother) just so darn CUTE! I have always loved those cookie cutter families where you can tell that the kids are siblings, because they all look alike and are all super cute. That's what I want. :)
Switching gears here... Let's talk about three year olds. What a delight right? WRONG! Whoever coined the phrase terrible twos, was so very, very, wrong. I have learned more about patience being pregnant and round and dealing with my new threenager than I ever did prior to my 29th year of life. From the temper tantrums, the screaming, the mouthing off... It is a whirlwind of a toddler tornado, and somedays I just pray that my sanity is still left standing after we put the storm to bed. One of my friends said it best, "They'll take you to the edge of insanity, and right as you are about to make the plunge, one foot stepped out over the ledge, you'll have a beautiful day. A day where they listen to everything you say, do everything you ask, and are the most pleasant and perfect child. And you find yourself running back from the ledge and in to the arms of your precious toddler. And just when they show you what life could be like, BAM! You're right back on the edge of insanity." (HA HA HA HA) Okay, but SERIOUSLY! This is the best analogy. I have been so close to taking that plunge almost every single week. But somehow she manages to trick me in to thinking that maybe tomorrow will be like today. It's like a hostage situation.
BUT! When those good days roll around, oh they are wonderful, and beautiful, and meant to be cherished and remembered. They're few and far between, but they are the Lord's way of reminding us that this is a phase, this too shall pass, and here is a glimpse of what life will be like, on the other side. And when you think you can't possibly handle ANY MORE - somehow you do. And I feel like that has been my mentality throughout this pregnancy as well. There have been days when I have wanted to quit, throw in the towel, and give it all up. Then I take a step back, I pause, and I think about what is in store for our little family. The fun, and the laughs and the love that the four of us will share. The adventures we will have, the day to day grind, and the immense gift I get of being their mother.
I spent the last few weeks trolling Amazon (which is like my favorite thing ever. Next to shoe shopping) for parenting books, self help books, marriage books. Ha ha anything I can get my hands on to help strengthen my resolve in deciding to become a mother of two. I walked away with a stack about as big as my head (to add to the shelf of books I have in the office, some of which I have yet to read.. Yes, I am an Amazon Prime addict. I love books. I need help.) I found some really good ones and have high hopes that I will regain some of my sanity and begin to rebuild it with a stronger foundation as my curly headed tornado continues to whirl around me. (Speaking of which, she's currently behind me jabbering on and exclaiming in excitement all about Darth Vader, Boba Fett, and Storm Troopers.. My Star Wars loving baby. Too funny.)
Life. Sometimes it's ugly. Sometimes it's challenging. Sometimes it's purely devastating. Being able to find the beauty in the eye of the storm is a gift - and not one that is just given, its a gift that requires repeated practice and training. But it is a gift, granted to us, and what a beautiful gift it is. Yes we are challenged, and stretched, and pushed to our limits as humans... But look at what we accomplish, achieve, and withstand in the moments when we think we cannot go any farther.
LOVE YOU BABES!