It's almost here... The BIG one!

SO! Adoption update…

In exactly a weeks time we will be inviting our caseworker Sandy in to our home, and we will begin the home study process.

Honestly? I have never been more terrified of something in my entire life. (Ok I take that back, giving birth for the first time was the most terrifying thing… This is a close second.) I know that the home study won’t be nearly as scary I’m chalking it up to be. However, it is still incredibly intimidating to have a total stranger come in to my home and decide whether I and my husband are adequate enough humans to be parents. I would be lying if I said I haven’t begun scrubbing, cleaning, and dusting every inch of our house due to the paranoia. Making sure that safety locks are on the doors, wooden dowels are in all the windows, top locks are on the back doors to the pool, plugs in every outlet, coaching my children in being overly polite and kind and respectful…. I feel like a crazy person. But there’s just something about someone coming in to your space and judging your “mothering” abilities that shoots my anxiety through the roof, and has me questioning ALL the things. (For example, we still don’t have furniture in our front room. Yes, we have have lived in our house for almost two years now, but Daniel and I just can’t find EXACTLY what we want nor can we agree on anything. And I don’t want that to come off as disorganized, or unattached - SEE! Crazy thoughts..)

It has taken several months for Daniel and I to get to this point. Before we could even schedule our home study visit Daniel and I had to sit down and answer 34 pages of invasive, deep, soul searching questions about our lives as kids, adults, parents, etc.

Here are some examples:

Have you ever considered divorce? Please explain. Uhhh… YES! I’m sorry, who hasn’t?! Not every day is sunshine and roses. We have had our fair share of serious uphill battles. Marriage is WORK! What made Daniel and I both giggle was we knew the exact “issue” that caused us each to consider calling it quits. Obviously we worked through it, and we continue to work on our marriage every day. But we are not perfect. We’re people.

How do you express anger? I did NOT want to answer this one… I tend to have a temper, and can be relatively feisty. Obviously after having kids I have learned to be a lot more patient. Being married to Daniel has also helped with my patience. However, there are some moments you just can’t control, and I can go from 0-60 real quick… Like Daniel Tiger says.. “When you feel so mad, that you wanna ROAR!” This aptly fits how anger is sometimes dealt with in our home. Again. Not perfect.

Then there were questions like, what would you change about your spouse? How do you communicate? How do we deal with challenges and crises both separately and together? As well as questions about how we parent, our parenting style, how our parents parented, their communication styles with each other and us. How will we teach our children about/what are our feelings on/how did we learn about drugs, sex, birth control, (rock and roll) on and on and on for 34 pages.

I wish I could say that we were able to sit down and bust out these questions within a week. But that was not the case. The truth is, the only time we had to work on these questions was when Daniel got home from work, or the weekends. I tried to answer as many of the questions as I could on my own, but often there were questions I needed Daniel to answer, and trying to work around his work and schedule was sometimes difficult. Not to mention that the questions would exhaust me mentally, often I was only able to get through four or five (sometimes even less) before I needed a break.

I understand that we are not supposed to come off as perfect. Because again, we’re just people. But having your entire life, from birth to adulthood put under a microscope… It makes you take a long hard look at yourself as a person. It brings to light all of your greatest fears and flaws as, not only a person, but a parent too. There is something so incredibly raw and vulnerable about it. Especially on the days when the questions were so focused on my current children, and all of the dreams, and hopes and plans I want for them. Am I doing enough as a parent?!! Will I be enough for one more? Sigh…

Needless to say, there was much celebrating when we finally finished answering all the questions. We got our background check paperwork and fingerprints in earlier this month. (Originally we had them done last August, but there was a minor mixup in paperwork and so we had to start this piece over again, which was a little frustrating.) All of our references are taken care of… As soon as the home study piece is all wrapped up, and processed we can finally begin applying to adoption agencies. It’s crazy to me that we are at this point, but I am truly looking forward to the continued adventure ahead.

Send peace of mind and sanity my way… I know in my heart that everything will be alright, but for the time being, I am allowing myself to be a little crazy, a little more imperfect, a little more real, and a lot more vulnerable.

💜CHEERS SOUL FRIENDS!